I need a chain saw for my soul
by deznichole
Summary: Eli's gone and Clare feels alone. Where will she turn?
1. I need a chain saw for my soul

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi at all.**

**Clare's POV**

"I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or gears?" I'm reading Laurie Anderson's words when fists begin to pound on the other side of my front door. I close _Speak_ and stand hesitantly. My feet begin walking slowly as my mind tells me no.

The knocking stops for a few seconds then something or someone slams in to the door and slides down to the poarch. I realise I have stopped two feet from my destination. Coaxing myself to walk again, I find my shaking courage, and place a hand on the knob. "Protect me lord," I whisper then twist the cold metal with a tug. It swings towards me but nothing is there...

Until I look down.

A lump clad in a soaked black jacket, hood up, sits with their arms wrapped around his or her knees. From the sound of sobs wracking the figures body I can guess this person is a girl. And so, with fear striking my core, I poke my middle and pointer fingers out to tap her shoulder. The rain water sticks to the tips of my fingers and a distraught face turns up to me.

A sharp intake of breath later and I have Cece in my arms. Tears soak through my blouse, as does water from her body. I frantically hover my hands over her not knowing where to touch, "Hunny, whats wrong?" I begin whispering soothing things in Eli's mother's ear trying to get her to speak.

Suddenly, she grabs my hand tightly, looks straight in my eyes and whispers, "an ambulance Claare, call an ambulance." That's when I notice them. The cuts scattering her face, the blood dripping from them. It hits me, hard, harder than a hammer could. Eli and Cece were on their way to dinner. He was going to discuss job options with her. But, why would Cece be here with out him? Why would she be bleeding?

I fall away from Cece, something escapes my lips, and I feel my head hit the floor. The world goes black and I am alone in a dark corner of my brain. A part I never wanted to be in. There's no one here. No Eli. No Cece. No god. Just me and the cold grip of death that I am some how convinced has slammed down on Eli's head.

**_Many hours later..._**

The clock on the wall states that it's two in the morning but the lights in this room beg to differ. There's an I.V in my arm, a bag with a clear liquid attached to a poll, and a glowing red button with HELP written in white. I don't know what it's for. Do I push it when I wake up because I need help knowing why I'm here? Or is it only for emergencies?

Why in the world am I here? My mind repeats this over and over. I'm refusing the answer to enter.

_Click_

Quickly, I throw my head towards the sound and squint. The sharp movement, along with these god awful lights, throw splinters throw my mind. "Aah, you're awake!" A women's voice says just as my eyes focus on her. Red stained lips shine in front of porcelain white teeth. Her brown eyes sparkle down to her chart and a peice of blonde hair falls from behind her ear. I note that she has small wrinkles but still looks fairly young. She writes for a long minute before walking to the liquid bag. Next, she looks back at her chart and writes again.

I find my voice, "Excuse me ma'am, but, why am I here?"

Her smile, which departed as she walked toward my bag, returns once again. "Well hun, you passed out!" The happiness, it's fake, I can hear it. She's leaving something out. I need to know what because I'm alomst positive it's the answer to my question.

"I did? Why?"

"Oh, you know..." Her voice trails off.

"Oh, no, I don't know. I'm pretty sure, how ever, that it's your job to tell me." My patients grows weary which surprises me. I'm usually so good with people, but this woman, she knows something about me that not even I know and it's time for her to tell me.

"Well hunny, it is the Doctor's job to tell you, not mine. You're gonna have to wait for him." She twangs away about something else but I've zoned out. I don't even care. All I know is that country accent of hers, the one I hadn't even noticed before, sounds familiar. It probably isn't but that doesn't matter. It unsettles me, waiting, that is.

When a knock sounds at the door I decide that I obviously wont be waiting for long. "Come on in," the nurse twangs. A beautiful man in a white coat slides through with a twist of the knob and walks to shake my hand. Only, I do not offer mine back. I study his face, it's chisled with a dimpled chin. His hair is dark black and sways as he walks, his eyes are a startling green color. His brows seem to be plucked. Peculiar. A man who cares so much about how he looks.

"Your nurse has refused to tell me why I am here. I assume you're going to? Like, now." He is shocked and even a little hurt at my not shaking his hand, perhaps at my remark. I don't care. I don't want to be here and the lights are getting worse and worse. Yet, he takes his time. Pulling his nurse to the side and whispering while reading her chart. She then slips out of the door. Leaving us in the quiet space.

He strides to the sink where a stool is placed. Pulling it closer to my bed he takes a seat, resting one hand on mine. He looks deep in to my eyes and something snaps in me. I don't know what I'm about to hear but I know that I don't want to hear it. I close my eyes and tilt my face toward the ceiling. "What is it doctor?" I whisper.

"Well Clare, do you remember anything before hitting your head?" He asks calmly.

"Honestly? The last thing I remember is reading my book."

"You don't remember Cece coming to your door or talking to her or passing out?"

"I can't say that I do."

"Well, Clare. Earlier tonight Cece came to your home. She was covered in scratches and blood when she asked you to call the ambulance. She says that once she asked for that you sat back, shreiking Eli's name before blacking out. You hit your head pretty hard on the tiled floor." His words swim through my mind and I put everything together, again. I sit up and the world spins. He squeezes my hand, "lye back down Clare. Making yourself dizzy isn't going to help anything."

"So is, is, is Eli? Is he, uh, is Eli..?" I stumble quickly over my words.

"Clare, you know the answer to that, I know you do."

"No!" I scream. "No he can't be! I don't believe you! Take me to him! Now!"

"Clare! Clare, I can take you to him."

"Then do it! Right now!"

"You don't want to see him in the condition he is in... Clare, he's not going to make it..."

"That doesn't matter right now! Take me to him!" The doctor pushes the help button and I swing my legs over the side of the bed. A nurse breezes through and grabs my silver poll. We walk to the door and a tear slides down my cheek. I use the doctor as a crutch. Together we walk but I am not prepared for what I see when we reach Eli's door.


	2. Peace is always attainable

I run so fast the I.V jerks out of my arm and I barely skid to a stop. My hands slam on the mattress just as tear droplets begin to crash down on them. He shakes under the sudden movement and something in the distance beeps rapidly for a second. I feel pressure on my shoulder and slide on to the bed next to Eli.

Resting my head on his bare chest I practically hear nothing. There's a slight pitter patter inside of his heart and shalow whispers entering but mostly leaving his lungs. Before long his cuts and what little noticable skin there is glistens. Tension builds in my core, rising out through my throat. My ears split open along with the rush of air leaving me.

Then I feel it. A slow, shaking hand slides across my hair. I pull my head away from his chest and stare into his ever observing eyes. I reach for his free hand and he intertwines his fingers with mine. The left corner of his lip takes a whole minute to slide up. I watch as he struggles to speak. As I wait, black holes begin to puncture through my heart, my limbs, my world. The first whisper leaves him, " Clare I..."

"No. Don't say it, Eli. Please. I can't... I can't.."

"Love you." I pull his hand to my heart and watch as a tear leaves his eye.

"I'm not going any where Eli. I'll be here until the very end. I promise it. I love you, too. Don't cry, you'll be okay. I believe we'll be together again some day." The words rush from me and I barely have time to take a breath.

"I... I believe." He mumbles while closing his eyes. Jumping from the bed I spin to the doctors. I'm frantic, I don't know where to stand, what to say, who to go to, what to trust. And so I loose it.

"Fix him! What are you doing just standing there watching! He's dying! FIX HIM!" I see their eyes widen.

The nurse with the twang steps to me, "Clare, hun, there aint anythin' we can do."

"Don't lie to me damn it!"

"Calm down sweetie pie. Things will only get better from here." She stretches a hand towards me. But I swat it away.

"Calm down? It will get better? The love of my life is lying on that bed more than half dead and you think it's going to be okay?" I can feel the bewilderment striking my face.

"He needs you now, Clare. Be with him while you can." With that, the both of them, the nurse and the doctor, leave. I turn back to Eli and his eyes are openly searching my face. He reaches up, I bend so his fingers can reach me. He wipes a tear away and slowly smiles again. "Lay... with me?"

"Yes, of course I will." I lye down next to him and stare into his eyes. There are cuts and bruises scattered amongst his face but I don't care. There's a cast on his leg but I don't notice. There's a wrap around his wrist but it doesnt bother me. As I stare into those beautiful eyes nothing can touch me. This man, and he is a man, means the world to me. He's a beautiful man indeed. I realize, at this moment, just how much I love Eli and I feel the stream of tears stop.

I grab his hand and pray. "I beg of you to take care of Elijah Goldsworthy. I pray that his soul forever roams your realm in true serenity and that I some day have the chance to return to him. Please, my Lord. I beg of you. Amen." With that, I kiss Eli's hand, I kiss Eli's cheeck, and I kiss Eli's lips. We lay there for a long while before he falls asleep. As I begin drifting off, I hear a very faint, very long beep scream out.

The hospital door is thrown open and I'm picked up off of his bed. They carry me away and it's peaceful. I see Eli and he looks cold, purple even. They'll take care of him, so I don't worry. Instead, I close my eyes and listen to the pattern of the shoes of the person carrying me. I drift into black sleep. 


	3. Where do you go when belief is gone?

A hand pushes at my arm making me open my eyes wearily. The bright hospital lights swim in to my view again. I search for the person behind the touch, this resulting in finding my mother standing beside the bed I'd been sleeping in. Her thin lips slide in to a sad smile. "How are you baby?"

Things begin to rush back to me all at once as I search her face. The faint and long beep that filled my mind before falling asleep reminds me that Eli is... Is...

Emotion sweeps through me and I burst into snotty, hiccupy tears. She pulls me up right on my feet and into her arms while whispering comforting things in my ear. I don't bother to listen; I know that it can't change anything. His face flashes on the back of my eyelids. Perfectly pale skin holds on to beautifully dark green eyes. Flat black hair curls around the bottom and full lips smile back at me. The image of him comforts me and I gaze, mesmerized, back at him.

Then his face begins to change. A long slash slices through his right cheek. Smaller cuts begin to surround his eyes. Pieces of rock from the road and glass from Morty are scattered through out the cuts. His bottom lip splits completely open on the left. He continues to smile, debris from the accident crowding his normally white teeth. He winks at me with a black eye and blood starts to drip from every cut on his face.

I curl in on myself and fall to the floor screaming. Eyes strained wide, I stare steadily at the chair in front of me, not daring to see the image behind my lashes again. My mother follows me down and claws at my clothes attempting to coax me onto her lap. She runs her fingers through my hair and cries with me. I remember Eli lying on the hospital bed doing the same before departing. My mother pulls herself together but let's me cry for a long while before pulling me to my feet.

She gathers my things from the room and, after signing a form, we head to the car. Once inside I feel the knives return in the pit of my stomach. I grit my teeth as I choke on more tears. They burst through my eyes silently and take my breath with them. I feel like I may explode when my mother clasps my knee from the driver's seat.

Each deep breath I attempt to take is pulled inside the black hole which has formed in the pit of my stomach. Each exhale ends with a painful moan and the hand on my knee squeezes tighter. Each time I blink I see Eli, one of my eyelids is painted beautifully, the other is a terrible distortion of the first.

I lean forward and rest my head on the dash board as I wrap my arms around my middle. "Why?" I scream through gritted teeth. "Why did it have to be him, Mom?"

"Baby, I don't know. God is mysterious." She says and places a hand on my back.

"You know, maybe Eli was right. Maybe there is no God. Maybe the world is just fucked up."

A few seconds tick by, but then, "Clare Diana Edwards! You better apologize to Him! I have brought you up better than that. There is a God and he did this for a reason. And, I know you are going through a tough time, but you will not use that kind of language. You understand me, young lady?" Her hand had disappeared from my back, out of the corner of my eye I saw it clenched, knuckles white, on the steering wheel.

I had hit a nerve and it had satisfied me. I chuckle. Was I going insane? "Kay, Mom. What ever you say, Mom." Again, I chuckle and I see her grip tighten on the leather wheel. She exhales heavily and begins mumbling a prayer under her breath. What ever bit of belief was in me drains out of my soul as I listen to her. I've been a good girl. Gone to school, A's on my report cards, and I haven't defied my parents. If there was a God, he wouldn't have done this to me.

I lean back up and stare down at my wrists. Curling one finger under the hospital wristband I pull up harshly and feel the plastic-like paper cut into my wrist. Once the paper is gone I turn my arm over and examine the cut. Blood beads up at the edge. I was once again mesmerized, this time, by the sight. I hover my hand over the small cut. A small smiles decorates my face and rainbows seem to blossom in my veins. I focus on that cut and nothing else.

_I want more_, I suddenly realize. More blood, more cuts, more rainbows. I want to focus on the pain the small cut radiates rather than the pain Eli's death brings me. I need an out, something to distract me. I can pretend it never happened. He's still here, in my heart, right? I can still talk to him. Faking it could be my best idea.

Just as the pain in my core starts to subdue the pain in my wrist I drop my nail into the cut and pull down. The skin doesn't tear any more than it already was but the first drop of blood follows my path as more rises to the surface. I peek at my mom, making sure she's not watching, but she was too focused on the road, still mumbling. I sigh and turn the cut into my pants leg, keeping it hidden.

I slide down in my seat and prop my legs up on the dashboard. I think back to my other positions and notice my restlessness. Despite the amount of sleep I had acquired over the past few days I felt exhausted. I thought things were calming down. My parents weren't fighting anymore, Eli and I were working on his creative story, and I was learning to drive. Everything had seemed okay, so why? Why did it all have to change? Why did he have to leave me?

This wasn't fair. Why hadn't he given me more time with him and how come Cece was still breathing? Couldn't it have been her who...?

Bile rises in my throat. "Pull over! Pull over!" Escapes me and my moms rolls to the side of the road quickly. I push on the door then fall out on my hands and knees. Vomit litters the ground. I crouch there until I'm sure it is over. Then I shuffle to the back of the car, lay on the seat, and resume crying. My mom gets out and closes the doors I left open. We continue on our way home. She doesn't say anything to me when we get there, instead she leaves me in the car.

I wait a while for Eli to show up in his hearse for our driving lessons. Give or take 20 minutes before I hear the tap on the window. My entire body shudders and I look up with hope scattering my face. I see my father as he begins to open the door and lend me his hand. The last bit of my heart falls through. I take his outstretched hand and walk toward the front door with him.

Once inside he hugs me. I cry into his shoulder for some time before heading to my room. I find the knife I had taped under my night stand. I put it there a long time ago when Darcy had brought that creep to our house. I place the tip to my wrist far away from any noticeable veins. I stare at it for a long time before pulling it closer to the blue lines. I rake down and feel the sting. Then I lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep as the blood stains my comforter.


	4. Insanity at it's finest

Sunlight pierces my eyelids throwing a dark orange over my sleepless dreams. I slowly open them to the world and sigh. There's a constant ache radiating from my wrist and I can't help but think that I am forgetting something. With the sun beating so brightly I can't keep my eyes open for hardly two seconds. The pain in my wrist is like that. It goes away when they're open but I am worrisomely aware of it when they are closed.

I roll my head slightly to the side and blink as my eyes finish their attempt to adjust. I see the ghastly sight in little split seconds. The skin surrounding the cut is a devilish red color while the cut it's self is a rustic, full of dried blood, crust. My head spins as I realise the intensity of last night's endeavor. The silver glint of the knife catches in my periphery. I note the hard blood on it's blade.

I giggle slightly to myself. What type of person would think this a good thing? One who was positively mad and that must be it… I must be positively and absolutely mad.

My torso lifts from the bed and I twist toward the bright window. There's a bird seemingly smiling at me from the branch just out side of it. I cock my head to the side whispering, "hi." He chirps, shakes his head, and takes off.

Two days earlier and I'd have thought it was a sign from God. Then again, two days earlier I hadn't slit my wrist and my boyfriend wasn't dead. So two days earlier no longer mattered. God doesn't exist because God wouldn't have done such a thing to a girl like me. Now, would have he? We've, importantly I've, always praised Him highly. So why betray me now? Oh, that's right. Because he's as fictional as the fat man in the red suit.

I slide off the bed and turn back to it. Next, I push the comforter and pillows to the floor. I then slide my fingers under the sheet and yank it off. I leave it wound to a tight ball in my clothes hamper. After placing the hamper in my closet I walk to my bedroom door.

The cold knob sends discomforting chills down my spine. I swing it open quickly and leave it that way. Briskly I step into the bathroom but instead of touching the metal I kick it shut with the largest toe of my right foot. The chills still radiate under my skin so I close my eyes and spin away from the door.

Snapping my eyelids open, I run through the motions quickly. Within seconds I'm undressed and the shower head is raining down on me. I open my mouth, turn it up, and begin gulping the freezing water. I stand there. And I shiver. And I shiver. For ten minutes I just stand there and shiver.

I don't bother with soap or conditioner. I simply flip the knobs off and begin drying my body. I look in the mirror and realize the crusted blood hadn't removed itself. I wet my towel under the faucet and commence vigorously rubbing at the rust. I grit my teeth. It seems like a year has passed before the last bit is gone and new, red blood rushes to replace it. I smile.

Once in my bedroom I slide a black arm band over the ghastly gash. I throw my hair in a pony tail, slip on a sweat shirt, and pull on pants. I slur cover up over the dark bags under my eyes and fake a smile. The day must go on, right? I pass through the kitchen on my way to who knows where and discard my parent's shocked expressions as they notice the grin on my face. I was going insane and there was no reason to hide it.


	5. We live and learn, we crash and burn

I guess a part of me had always known that I would end up here. This bench should be in history books. I couldn't think of a person more interesting than Eli and this magnificent piece of wood was the place where him and I had first clicked. But it was more than even that.

Eli would come here to just sit and think when things got rough. He would come here when he was bored and wanted to listen to his mp3 as he counted cars or made fun of people walking by. Sometimes he even came here just to write or edit his assignments in English. And when we were fighting, I could always find him here. This bench had often been the place where we made up.

Eli had obviously loved it here. I could feel his presence. It was almost as if his arm was around me again. I imagined the conversation we should be having. Him talking about some rock band coming to town for a concert and how I ought to come see the show with him. Then me saying that I can't because my mom would never let me. We'd banter back and forth with me winning eventually.

The longer I thought through it the realer it started to be for me. I thought through the entire night and how it would go if he was still here. I went through it all, pretending he was beside me, in a dream- like state. I finally came to when I got to my front porch. The scorch of his lips on mine felt real as I fought for it to happen.

Disappointment shattered within me and I sunk to the porch. I stroked the black band on my wrist as it became soaked with tears. I couldn't take it anymore. The pressure in my core built up and there was no way I was going to be able to just sit there.

I jumped up from my spot on the floor and ran. I took off as fast as I could. I went and went. I never turned around. I just kept going. I didn't know what I was going towards but I knew that there was nothing behind me.

My lungs were burning by the time my legs gave out. I hit the ground with my hands and knees. I should have stayed on that bench. The fantasy was amazing while it lasted but I should have stayed there. It was the only place I felt okay with my world anymore. I needed to be there.

I looked around the place I had landed as I felt the scream building up. I was at the opening of the woods by the ravine. There appeared to be no one around this end. Assuming it was safe I clenched the grass and dirt under my hands then let it burst out of me. A horrid noise bubbled through my throat and engulfed the trees in front of me for a long time.

I fell over as the last bit of air had left my lungs. The tears rolled onto the grass and I noticed the color in the sky. Night began falling around me. Twinges of starlight came into view. One star was shinning brighter than the rest. I would normally name it to be the North Star but my gut was telling me otherwise.

Somewhere deep inside of me something was screaming "Eli!" at me. The star had a great brilliance to it that I had seen no other place than in Eli's eyes. Around that was star was a lonely black with the exception of one, not as bright, star touching the tip of it. My heart sank as I again concluded that Eli was with Julia.

As much as it pained me to guess at his whereabouts and whom he was with, the brightness of the star brought a subtle joy to my inner core. Where ever he was and whoever it was that surrounded him, he was obviously happy. The star was trying to tell me that. It had to be a sign. God or no god, Eli was telling me not to worry…

But how could I be happy? I was alone on the face of a planet that I had never truly felt I belonged to anyways. Truthfully, I felt that no one belonged on Earth with out there soul mate. What other point was there to living than loving? Out here by these woods, by myself, with my lungs, legs, and stomach screaming in pain and protest, I realized that there was no point any more.

Eli may be happy but that in no way meant that I was happy also. Sure, I was glad for him in a small way. Yet, I still felt pity for myself. I could lie here all night if I wanted to and I doubted any one would notice it. My parents had begun fighting after my mother had left me in the car. They would be so wrapped up in themselves, as they were before Eli and I had been together, that they would hardly notice my missing presence.

Eli had been the one to always question my whereabouts and call when he thought and/or felt that something was wrong. Without him, who was there to honestly care? No one.

A realization like that can change a person.

Because I'm lying here and I'm deciding that there's nothing to give two shits about anymore. I can do whatever I want now because there's no one here to do the right thing for. I'm not trying to be strong for Eli or my parents anymore.

I'm going to leave the old Clare behind. Maybe kick it Ali style. She does what she wants, not to mention gets what she wants when she wants it.

My mind reeled through all the scenarios I could create and all the fun I could be having. Eli wouldn't want me moping around. He would want me out there having fun. So it was decided. In the name of Eli I was done being Saint Clare. He was going to live on through me.

I decided to start with my looks. Come tomorrow I'd have dark hair, scantier clothing, and painted nails.


End file.
